Ok let's face it, I am not a small girl. And of my 35 years on this planet, I think I was only thin for around 7 of them. These years being when I was a fetus until I was able to eat solid food and then in high school when a combination of teen-age self loathing, metabolism, playing volleyball year round and only consuming skittles and diet coke made it so I was still allowed to enter an Abercrombie and Fitch without being fat-shamed.
I am not going to blame my entire body shape on genetics and slow metabolism and take no personal accountability. In all reality, I love certain things that have a lot of calories in them-- taco bell and alcohol being among the top two. I also have been known to eat an entire bag (the family size bag ) of Peanut M&Ms while having a good cry to a Nicholas Sparks movie. But in general, I am not a big eater and I exercise pretty regularly. Some people are just bigger by nature and with the pressure society puts on girls to be skinny in order to have self worth, it sucks.
The first time I realized I was a fatty was when I was around 11 years old. Most kids go through an awkward stage in those years leading up to puberty-- their voices crack, their hair and face is greasy and they get giant zits on the middle of their foreheads. Then, whoosh, magically they go through a metamorphosis where they turn into hot young teens. In my prepubescent awkward stage I looked like a troll that lived under a bridge--a troll with a camel toe and crooked bangs that I had cut myself. I had older sisters who were, and always will be, skinny, who always had boyfriends, and, to top it off, they were cheerleaders. Four years younger than them and I was already as tall and about two sizes bigger than them, but that did not stop me from trying to make my own dream of being a cheerleader possible. One fateful afternoon, my sisters and mom went to the store and left me at home alone, and I attempted to make this dream of being a cheerleader a reality. I grabbed Tiffini's white, blue, and gold cheer-leading uniform and tried to put it on. It was so tight I could barely get it passed my arms. I laid on the bed and wiggled, and sweated, and finally I got my my jawbreaker shaped body into it. I remember looking at the mirror and thinking how unbelievable beautiful I was in that uniform. I did a few clumsy fat kid jumps and cheer moves and I could hear the seams tearing. I knew my sisters and mom would be home soon, and I would face the terror of Tiffini if she caught me in her uniform, so I proceeded to try to take it off. However, that thing was not budging at all. I tried and tried different positions, but I was stuck. Panicked, I did the only thing my 11 year old critical thinking skills could manage, I took my mother's sewing scissors and cut it right down the front to get myself out of it. Once I was free from the uniform and able to breathe again, I realized that my life was going to be over when my sister returned home and saw what I had done. My only solution was to cover the uniform in BBQ sauce and then try to make the dog chew on it. Golden Retrievers are not the best dogs for dirty deeds, and it took a lot of convincing to finally get that dog to put the destroyed, sauce covered uniform in his mouth. Then we played tug of war until it was torn into multiple pieces and I rinsed it off and put it in a corner in the dog's yard. To this day, I can still hear Tiffini's screams when she found that uniform a few days later in the yard. I got away with it, Tiffini would hold a grudge against that sweet innocent dog for the rest of his life, and I would not confess my crime until 13 years later.
American society puts a lot of pressure on girls to be thin. It is ingrained in us from the time we are given our first barbie, when we pick up that first copy of seventeen magazine, and we laugh along with fat girl jokes with people at parties all time cringing because we are those fat girls . For three decades, I thought less of myself and believed I didn't deserve the same happiness as other girls because I wasn't skinny. If you look at my dating history, until I met Paul, I dated some extremely disturbed individuals. There is some cheesy saying that goes something like, "you get the love you think you deserve". This saying is 100% accurate in my case. It wasn't until I finally had the courage to accept myself for who I am and realized I deserved better that I met someone who treated me like the gorgeous, brilliant and sassy goddess that I am. But what is disappointing is that it took 31 years to love myself. I have so many sexy and amazing friends who have learned to think less of themselves because they are overweight. I think about all of the diets we big boned girls have been on, all of the times we have starved ourselves and did self destructive acts because we didn't like the way we looked, and all of the times we allowed ourselves to feel pity and self-loathing because we was ashamed of our weight and it makes me angry at us girls for allowing ourselves to believe we are less because we weigh more.
I am not going to lie and say that I still don't get my feelings hurt when people make comments to me about my weight or make jokes about fat girls. When people say douchey things, it always hurts. But, I am learning to accept that people in general are kind of ass-hats. America may put pressure on women to be thin, but the rest of world is just cruel about it. I have been in stores in Korea, where the shopkeepers come up to me, block me from going into the store, and tell me I can't come in because there is nothing for me. In Okinawa, I was told I was nearly too fat to go zip-lining and had to go behind a special fat-person screen to try on the harness to ensure I wouldn't take down the whole park with my King Kong thighs. In the Philippines, I was told I would never get a husband unless I was thinner and I was taken to this place where they put a belt on me that gave me painful electric shocks in order to rid me of my ab fat. Two weeks ago in Kathmandu, I was almost denied access to a club because I was a "big girl". Imagine that-- a city that's economy was devastated from an earthquake four months ago, didn't want my fatty boom boom money. If you are a bigger woman, you will know that you are constantly hearing remarks about weight, being insulted, and being given tips on how to lose weight and because being overweight is such a social disgrace, you are expected to just smile and take it because you are fat and lazy and should be ashamed of yourself.
What really irritates me is that the same standards are not nearly imposed upon men. For the most part, when these jokes are made, when myself and my fellow love handle holders are being insulted, or when the importance of being thin is being expressed by men, they are saying it over their jiggling beer bellies. Women have come so far in regards to rights, education, and the ability to be a leader in the workplace and society, but when it comes down to it, women are always first judged on their appearance before their intellect.
I am not writing this to get compliments or for anyone to feel sorry for me or my fellow female fatties. I love the way I look and I think I am fucking awesome. I should exercise more and eat less and I do believe being healthy is important and there are definite improvements I need to make. I am in no way saying we as women should through all caution to the wind and eat nothing but bacon and ice-cream. But, I do think it is time for we as women to love ourselves as we are and to stop letting society and these misogynistic expectations control the way we think about ourselves.
I am always going to be just a little bit chubby, a little bit out-spoken, and if you let me go through your closet I will probably try to squeeze myself into something too small and ruin your favorite dress--but that is me and I dig it.
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